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Nightshift [Sep. 28th, 2014|01:39 am]
It's Saturday, thus I'm in Mary Doria's apartment. Today I started going through my clothes and getting rid of things.

I'm going to make a list right now of what I will keep, and the rest of it is goingggg.

-3 pairs of skinny jeans
-3 pairs flare jeans
-1 pair of pink pants
-1 pair capri jeans
-1 pair black tight pants
-1 pair pajama shorts
-1 pair pajama pants
-3 pajama shirts
-3 hoodies
-1 zip-up sweatshirt
-1 pink, 1 grey, 1 black sweater
-1 jean vest
-5 camitanks
-3 long leggings, 3 capri leggings
-3 skirts
-7 shorts
-1 summer dress, 1 winter dress
-3 t-shirts
-3 nice shirts
-3 long-sleeved shirts
-2 winter jackets
-1 scarf
-2 pairs yoga pants
-2 pairs yoga capris
-4 workout shirts
-4 sports bras
-1 suit
-scrubs unlimited
-2 belts
-1 pair boots
-1 pair running shoes
-1 pair everyday sneakers
-1 pair work shoes
-1 pair dress shoes
-1 pair heels
-1 pair sandals
-2 pairs of stockings
-3 bras

I ate a bunch of munchin donuts and now I feel sick. Ugh.

Tomorrow I will go home around 7:30, lay with Stephen for a bit, then get ready to go to the mall with Destiny. Breakfast, hair, make up, eyebrows, get dressed.

Monday I'm going to spend the day doing research, aside from my haircut at noon. Tuesday will be spent doing much of the same, as well as preparing for the Wimba session. Wednesday will be the Wimba session, after which I will go to NH and see Justine. Thursday morning I will write the discussion for History and continue researching for my paper. Thursday evening I will go to yoga. Friday morning will be more research and the beginning of drafting. Saturday during the day I will write my first draft. Sunday I will recheck the draft and do the references, if they aren't done already.

Today is my mother's birthday. The last three days I've cried out of missing her. Today, I opened a plastic bag that's been in my closet since I brought it home after we cleaned out her apartment. In the bag was a sweatshirt that smelled strongly of her. As the years have passed, it's lost its smell. Tonight, before work, I took it down from the top shelf in my closet for the last time. I sat on my bed and opened the bag. There was no scent but that of fabric. I buried my face in that purple zip-up sweatshirt and sobbed. I sobbed for the chest I used to bury my face into and cry, for the smell and the warmth of my dear mother who I didn't hold nearly as dearly in life as I do now that she's dead.

I sobbed hard, let out with shaking sorrow the pain of losing the woman who gave me life. Four years ago. I cried so hard into that sweatshirt. It was hard to recall what she smelled like. It scared me. She's almost gone. Grief is the longest, most painful, most wave-like process. One minute all is well, the next I'm consumed with grief and agony, missing my mother so much it hurts at the back of my throat and my stomach wrenches.

This could be why I've been so slow and down the last week. Her birthday was ending a few hours ago. She's been on my mind all week.
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(no subject) [Aug. 7th, 2014|07:57 am]

Passed my boards!!! The exam shut off at the minimum number of questions (75) and I honestly didn't know if I passed or not. I was in a really awful place emotionally and kind of just buzzed through it. When I got home, still in a fog and impatient, I went straight to the computer and tried to register for NCLEX again and lo and behold, it wouldn't let me. Woohoo!

VNow, the only question is, what to do with myself? I really feel like I've lost touch with my soul. My inner child is a shriveled raisin, dehydrated by endless tired mornings and exams. But now, at least for a month, I can do what I want to do, besides work. Haha.

I've filled out most of the applications for Lahey. Five jobs caught my eye on their career forum and I hastily filled out the electronic forms. Now all I need to complete them is my nursing license number.

Okay, so now that school and studying are done, I need to get back on track. I've let so much of myself go these last two years.
First of all, I need to get back to the gym and start running again. I want to start taking yoga more seriously too. And, most importantly, I need to really start getting down and dirty with meditation.

As always, I abandoned the journaling and started filling out my planner. It seems I like planning more than reflecting.


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(no subject) [Mar. 1st, 2014|10:48 am]
Hi Self.
I need to meet with you and discuss. Things. I still want to write novels.
There is an exam on monday. I'm nervous. I haven't studied as much as I'd like to have, even though I feel like I've been studying all week.

This morning I'm going to read the acute care stuff and answer the questions in the powerpoint. Then, later, hopefully Destiny is coming over so we can study for a bit, around 3 i think? I want to finish making flash cards for lung cancer and also practice ekgs more. Ehhh I'm nervous.

In two weeks Stephen, Lu, and I will be on our way to Florida to see my dad. I haven't even had a chance to think about how I feel about it.

Oka, just so that I stay on track today:

10AM breakfast
10:30AM acute care reading
12:30PM lunch
1:00PM finish lung cancer flash cards
2:00PM EKGs (in pencil)
3:00PM study with destiny
5:00PM dinner
6:00PM nap
8:00PM more flashcards for other topics
10:00PM ekgs
11:00PM get ready/go to work

while at work- read powerpoints while awake
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today was kinda crazy [Dec. 23rd, 2013|04:47 pm]
Went to work this morning at 7. Worked with Dom. super easy morning.
Sitting in Gladys' room with Dom and Janice, we began a discussion about our kids. I showed Janice a tiny photo of Lucius that the school had given to me and the rest of the parents in our children's school pictures. Her eyes focused on the name of my son's school, then on me, and she said, "I know this school. I used to bring my son to this school."
  "Really?" I said, surprised. She had brought him there when she was a baby. Then Janice said something that made my eyes go wide and my jaw drop. It evoked a tingly familiarity, the character of which was unidentifiable.
  "Valery's son went there too. D.J."
  "D.J?!" I probably yelled as my head jumped forward and nearly off my shoulders. "Aww! He's my son's best friend! Oh, Lucius was so sad when he moved and stopped goin to his school! We didn't know her number!" I gushed. Lucius will be so excited when I tell him! That's amazing!
  Now I'm home and I think I'll wait until tomorrow to call her.  I left work an hour and 20 minutes late by accident and I just hope they don't notice. I came home, sat down, journaled, and that's it. The boys will be home in 45 minutes. For now, I think, I'm just gonna read my book.
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getting things done? [Nov. 13th, 2013|08:58 am]
Two days ago I made a schedule for myself for the weekend. Thus far, I have accomplished about 2% of what was on that schedule.
I made flashcards for almost 1 whole powerpoint.  That's good, though. That's still much more productive than I have been lately.
I went to yoga last night too! So, things have been going pretty good, I think. Time to get off this computer and read about diabetes!

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surprise poetry [Nov. 4th, 2013|12:52 am]
instill, evoke, induce, stir, inspire, produce, conjure

Oh to write for the joy of writing.
Oh to laugh for the joy of living.
Dance for the breathlessness
Cry, relief
Oh to reveal
to believe
to bereave
Oh to write for the joy of writing
Why dost thou elude me
Laugh for the breathlessness.
Cry, relief
Oh to conceal
Universal deceit
Oh to write with no restrictions
To write for the joy of living.
Dance for the breathlessness
Cry, relief
Oh to reveal
to believe
to bereave
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progress [Oct. 31st, 2013|08:47 am]
Okay so yesterday was a really hard day. I slept til noon, didn't go to clinical or work. Stephen is at the end of his rope, he doesn't care at this point. Can't say that I blame him.

Today I'm staying home from school. Destiny's not going so yeah I'm gonna just get a couple things done. I'm not going to put a ton of pressure on myself.

My Peru project can be finished today. Tomorrow I am presenting it at the Nursing Advisory meeting. It can be done. I'm having some toast dipped in coffee now.

Aside from that I think I'm just going to read.

Now I'm feeling tired. Just finished my breakfast and my bed is calling to me. Maybe I can take a short nap and by the time I wake up the caffeine will be working.
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So show me family [Apr. 1st, 2013|10:50 pm]
[mood |blahblah]

My little boy hears me crying and from his bed he says "Mom if you come in here I can give you a hug." What a sweetie.
Sanity seems to be seeping back into my serum. I had a little episode earlier but I feel okay now. Money was stressing me out. But really, what a stupid thing to stress about.

now im soaking my left hand in nail polish remover. listening to spotify. thank god for it. it is amazing.

i'm trying to remember who i am.

alone i ran, until the day it was gone. and i sat in regret, of all the things i've done.

Btw I relapsed today and looked at twitters and facebooks.
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On things [Jul. 10th, 2012|12:59 pm]

Things are going rather well. My apartment inspection was today and I always stress out over it way more than is necessary. It was fine. Lucius is taking his nap. I am resting until I have to leave for work at 1. Then later amieeee is coming over and we're gettin white girl wasted! Haha. I'm pretty happy lately. I feel like I am regaining my literary and authorly swagger. I wish Stephen had some appreciation for written word, however. But he is a wonderful man in countless other ways, so I should let it go. I should find a pen pal. Later today I think I will make a to do list. I must keep in mind that my section 8 review is coming up, and that it is no time to panic but a time to be organized and preparing in a timely manner.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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(no subject) [Jul. 2nd, 2012|06:25 pm]
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I am so unhappy. I think I just wish Stephen would talk to me more. Or that my friends would talk to me more. Or something. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW UGHHH WHY AM I SO CRAZY?! Why can't I just understand myself. if I can't understand myself, then how the fuck am I going to understand anything else? How can I be a good mother if I don't even understand my own feelings? I haven't meditated or exercised since Thursday. Today is Monday. I need to do something. My drive seems to be gone again. Okay, I'm going to watch some youtube videos for motivation. That should work. 
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